The best money jokes

1) Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.  
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.  
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  
I’m scared.  
I think I’m going crazy. 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. 
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.  
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. 
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. 
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." 
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

2) A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

3) A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up.  What should I do?’  
‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.  
‘Nope,’ replied the man.  
‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.  
‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. 
‘Precisely.  
That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

4) I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." 
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. 
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" 
I said, "£100 and it's yours."

5) A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.  
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.  
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.  
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.  It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.  
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.