The top 20 jokes ever

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.

3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

4. A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag: "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

7. Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please... and one for the road."

11. I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

15. Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them as a husband". 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

19. I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.