The best marriage jokes 2

1) This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!" 
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" 
The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"

2) A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. 
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. 
Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" 
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

3) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:  
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" 
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

4) Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. 
The first man married a nurse.  
Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." 
The second man married a telephone operator.  
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." 
The third man married a school teacher.  
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." 
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband.  He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" 
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

5) A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. 
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.  
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."  The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."  "Why not," giggles the woman.  
"Good," he replies.  
"Get your own blanket."