The best marriage jokes

1) A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. 
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. 
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" 
She slams the door in disgust. 
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" 
She slams the door again. 
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." 
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. 
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." 
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. 
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" 
"Yes I do." says the lady. 
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"


2) Husband takes the wife to a disco. 
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"


3) A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. 
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. 
She got married again and that husband failed in bed. 
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." 
The next day, the doorbell rings. 
There is a man with no arms and no legs. 
"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. 
"Tell me a little about you." 
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. 
I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replied. 
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. 
He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

4) A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. 
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless compiled and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. 
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. 
I've been having an affair with my secretary. 
I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." 
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

5) A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. 
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." 
 "Why not," giggles the woman. 
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
 

Funny dirty jokes

1) Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

2) Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.  One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.


3) A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"  "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.  One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."  The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.  Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"  "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

4) Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

5) Sex is like math: Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you don't multiply

The best dirty jokes 2

1) Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? 
 Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"


2) A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbors an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

3) Boy in the bath with his mum. 
 Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" 
Mum replies, "That is my sponge." 
"Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."


4) The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. 
 So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." 
So they do this, and begin painting their room. 
Soon they hear a knock at the door. 
They ask, "Who is it?" 
"Blind man!" 
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." 
They let him in. 
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

5) Guy: Wanna suck my dick? 
Girl: No. 
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard! Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

Kids Adorably Explain Gay Marriage On Jimmy Kimmel

Kids Adorably Explain Gay Marriage On Jimmy Kimmel


Here we are thinking the Supreme Court has the final say in this country, but Jimmy Kimmel showed us that ultimately it’s up to cute kids to sway national opinion. On his show last night, Kimmel asked children to explain what they think gay marriage is.


Not only is the video delightful and celebratory, but it nips that old anti gay marriage “but what do I tell my children?!"excuse right in the bud.

Best Fails Of May 2015 Part 18 - Funny Fails - Funny Videos - Best Prank...

Best Fails Of May 2015 Part 18 - Funny Fails - Funny Videos - Best Pranks - Win/Fail Compilation

What is the scene in which did you enjoy the video

Funny videos And Sexy Fails Compilation 2015 - Naked girls

Funny videos And Sexy Fails Compilation 2015 - Naked girls

Funny videos And Sexy Fails Compilation 2015 - Naked girls

Stevie Starr - Britain's Got Talent 2010 - Semi-final 1 ( Video)

Stevie Starr - Britain's Got Talent 2010 - Semi-final 1


This video is very dangerous

Britain's Got Talent: What more can this guy swallow?! The unforgettable auditionee returns for a dangerous, nail-biting live performance. Do NOT try this at home!

Most Funny Jokes ( Top 5 Jokes)

The Best Funny Stories (Top 5 stories)

Beautiful Woman Goes to a Gynecologist


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."


Advantages of Mother's Milk

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted: 1. It's fresher. 2. It's cleaner. 3. The cats can't get to it. 4. It's easier to take on a picnic. He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."

50 Year Old Ass

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." 

Glass of Milk

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

Husband's Penis

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

 "Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?"


 "Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

The best dirty jokes ( Top 10 jokes)

1) A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.  She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."


2) Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"  "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


3) There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.  So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.  He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.  He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.  He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said. “So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.  The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.  The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.  The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.  Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.  After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”  The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.  It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.   On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

4) Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.  He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

5) Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  "Yes," replies the little girl.  "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.  The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

6) A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

7) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

8) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

9) One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn't bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

10) Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

Best Joke of The Week

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.


This particular day it got interesting:



DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

funny short stories for adults

Little Test



Dear Abby: 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. 
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and 
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we 
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and 
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. 



Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. 

I headed straight out the front door............... 
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a 
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" 
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the 

reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? 

Signed, 

Confused

Top 12 Funny Fishy Stories 4

Brit Angler Lands Record Fish

Ian Welch, an angler from Aldershot, Hampshire, England, has landed a record stingray while fresh water fishing. Ian, a biologist was working on the Mae Klong river, in western Thailand.

Will and Guy have learned that this rare giant stingray, weighing 55 stone, took some 90 minutes to land and 13 men to heave it out of the water. Ian commented, 'It dragged me across the boat and would have pulled me in, had my colleague not grabbed my trousers.'

The giant freshwater ray is listed as a vulnerable species by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. This particular one was 7ft long and wide, with a tail of 10ft; it had its venomous barb wrapped in cloth on the bank.

The ray was placed in a children's paddling pool to allow the marine biologists to take its DNA, tag it and return it to the water. Mr Welch delighted us with his next statement that, 'I was exhausted afterwards. I did very little for the rest of the day - and just had a cold beer.' Lovely!

Five Short, Funny, and Surprising Fishy Tales

• We have heard that when Dutchman Cor Stoop leaned over the side of his fishing boat, his false teeth fell into the North Sea. He never thought that he'd see them again. Apparently three months later another fisherman found the dentures inside the stomach of a cod.
• A businessman who lost his mobile phone on a beach was amazed when it turned up - in the belly of a giant cod.[fisherman Glen Kerley said he'd found the phone in a 25lb fish.]
• The blue-stoned class ring of Joe Richardson, engraved with his name, turned up inside an 8-pound bass 21 years after he lost it while fishing on Lake Sam Rayburn, USA. The finder has remained anonymous.
• A gold ring turned up inside the belly of a fish caught by an angler off Fort Victoria, near Yarmouth, Isle of Wight, UK.
• Biologists at the University of Manchester, England, want help in cracking their "miracle" discovery of three fish inside a sealed egg. The group found the duck egg in a small pond on a field trip to the French Alps and noticed something moving inside it. When they cracked open the shell, three live minnows were inside. They have enlisted the help of other experts, but despite their extensive combined knowledge, the biologists admit they are "baffled".

Fishy Tale?

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!
Toshihiro Kawabata 

Angling Is Britain's Most Popular Sport: Now We Know Why!

Ten Amusing Fishing Sayings and Quotes

1. A bad day of fishing is still better than a good day at work. - Author Unknown.
2. An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home. - Author Unknown
3. The gods do not deduct from man's allotted span the hours spent in fishing. - Babylonian Proverb
4. The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad. - A.K. Best
5. All fishermen are liars; it's an occupational disease with them like housemaid's knee or editor's ulcers. - Beatrice Cook
6. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
7. Calling fishing a hobby is like calling brain surgery a job. - Paul Schullery
8. The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so that I could afford to hunt and fish. - Sam Snead
9. Smoked carp tastes just as good as smoked salmon when you ain't got no smoked salmon. - Patrick F. McManus
10. If I fished only to capture fish, my fishing trips would have ended long ago. - Zane Grey

Ones that almost got away:

• Fly fishermen are born honest, but they get over it. - Ed Zern
• Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. - Ernest Hemingway
• The fisherman's golden rule: the one that got away is always bigger than the one you gotta weigh.

Funny Fish Bowl 

'I broke up with you and you're still hanging around - you are so pathetic!'

Top 12 Fanny Fishy Stories 3

Terrible Fishy Tale

Joan Higgins, aged 66, has been selling pets and fishing tackle for years from her shop in Sale, Manchester, England.  Then one day an officer from the trading standards department decided to lure her into selling a goldfish to an underage boy.
The first point about this surreal case is that it does not seem unreasonable for a 14 year old to buy a goldfish.  You can understand the police setting up 'sting' operations for shops selling cigarettes or booze to underage youths, but why are they wasting £20,000 on operations to trap shopkeepers selling goldfish?
So far, so bad - but it gets worse, the magistrate fined Mrs Higgins £1,000, presumably as an example to other shopkeepers.  If you are struggling to believe the story up to this point, then you will be incredulous with the sting in the tail, 66 year old Mrs Higgins was told to wear an electronic tag and was made the subject of a curfew order normally reserved for violent repeat offenders.  Why was it necessary in this case?
We wonder if Mr Iain Veitch, head of public protection at Trafford Council, is sane when he said: 'Let this conviction send out a message that we will not tolerate those who cause unnecessary suffering to animals. The council will always try to support pet and business owners so that they are able to care for their animals properly, but where they continually ignore the advice they are given, we will not hesitate to use our statutory powers.'
In case you are wondering, no animals were hurt in this true story; the goldfish was adopted by an animal welfare officer.

Learning to Fish - Classic Fishy Story

Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'

Ten Interesting Trivial Fishy Facts

1. A biologist who studies fish is called an ichthyologist.
2. The most poisonous fish in the world is the Stone fish.
3. The more sardines that are placed in a can, the greater the profit as sardine oil costs more than the sardines.
4. Minnows have teeth in their stomach; the better to digest their food.
5. The sturgeon is considered the largest of all freshwater fish and have weighed in at 2,250 pounds.
6. All the sturgeon [the fish from which we get caviar] caught in British waters are property of Elizabeth II, Queen of England.
7. Atlantic salmon are able to leap as high as 15 feet.
8. The largest known fish in the sea is the whale shark. It weighs up to 20 tons and can grow to a length of 40 feet.
9. Fish can get seasick when kept aboard a rolling ship just as much as people.
10. The red fire-fish can fly and emits sounds like a crow.

for more :http://1themagicof.blogspot.com/2015/06/top-12-funny-fishy-stories-4.html    

Top 12 Funny Fishy Stories 2

Interesting Sailfish

Did you know that the swiftest fish in the ocean is the sailfish?  It can reach speeds of over 65 mph (100 km per hour).  Normally they are 5 to 10 ft (1.5 to 3.2 m) long.

We've never seen a sailfish this small, and neither had Captain Rich of the Southbound Charter in Key West

The Ones That Got Away

After a Tuesday fishing on the River Test, near Southampton in Southern England, Trevor is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket.
He is approached by a Water Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.
Trevor replies to the environmentalist, 'I was not fishing and I did not catch these brown trout, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and put these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home.
The officer, obviously, does not believe him and he reminds Trevor that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, 'If you don't believe me then watch, 'and he throws the trout back into the water.
The warden says, 'Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.'
The fisherman turns to the officer and says, 'What fish?'  

Funny True Fishy Story

Tish, the world's oldest known goldfish, was 43. In later life, Tish faded from his natural bright orange to a more distinguished silver. His owner said the secret of Tish's long life was not being overfed and being placed in the sun occasionally.
He was won at a funfair in Doncaster in 1956 and buried in a yoghurt pot in the garden of his owner's garden in Thirsk, Yorkshire, England in 1999.  

for more: http://1themagicof.blogspot.com/2015/06/top-12-fanny-fishy-stories-3.html