Funny & Jokes: Dirty Jokes.

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Jokes : Taking A Leak

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Jokes: Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Newest Jokes

Private Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Wish To Santa

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Lack Of Tact

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

School Jokes

The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"

Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"

Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.

These jokes came from Jokes for the ESL/EFL Classroom on The Internet TESL Journal's website (iteslj.org).

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Funny jokes

1-

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Joke - 3 Restaurants

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

This joke came from the Jokes for the ESL/EFL Classroom on The Internet TESL Journal's website (iteslj.org).

Joke - Factory Workers

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

This joke came from Jokes for the ESL/EFL Classroom on The Internet TESL Journal's website (iteslj.org).

DAILY JOKES

When asked how to stay alive 100 years from Golu the Pinchoo

Centennial Golu - man any other way, please tell me so I live for 100 years? Pinchoo - very simple. Eat three times a day and take three or four marriages. Golu - will live to 100 years that make me? Pinchoo - No, but it will show you soon 100 years old! -------------------- Cheat Hostel Student (friend) - Man has cheated on me ... friends - why, what happened? Student - man of the house had invited family members to pay for the books were sent in books. .................................... Warning wife husband explained this look - the girl your friend is married to the girl he is not good. Why do not you convince him? Husband - I do why refuse? He had told me what? .......................... Bet his wife a diamond necklace gifted businessman and again 6 months after wife spoke to him no. Why? The necklace was fake? No, actually has lost a businessman who was on the same condition!

Funny times

That moment when you are seeking attention

I think they were all making fun of him. He was flipping them all off. Then when the girls started dancing on his desk, he said fuck this shit.

funny cat

As a form of literature, writing stories has existed funny dog stories for hundreds of years. Fairy tales and fables of Aesop are known for centuries and are still read today. Stories and anecdotes were born in the oral environment and gradually spread around the world in written form. However, it was only in the 19th century that shaped the new writing was recognized as a distinct genre funny short stories of writing.

While the novels were popular funny dog stories at the time,funny short stories some authors have understood that the novel format can not be used for short stories, which had a simple but coherent plot, fewer characters and no subplots funny love stories.

Although the number of words is by definition limited to 7000-9000 words,funny dog stories a short story also differs from a novel or novel in that there is a simple plot, flowing through history and very tight and tense narrative technique avoiding details unnecessary funny short stories.

The format remains true to the structural rules of traditional theater funny short stories . It is believed that the structure to be the following: the introduction (the characters, the setting and the scene), a central conflict funny dog stories, rising action (conflict and other secondary funny short stories barriers to create tension in the journey the protagonist towards your goal) The crisis (the moment of truth), the highest point (a final confrontation involving the protagonist and antagonist) funny short stories, and resolution.

These days,funny short stories the number of words defined the kind of writing most of the structure. The challenge of writing history became aware writers shorter word count funny love stories. This resulted in a genre known as Flash or Micro Fiction, which is a very brief history funny dog stories .

It contains various sub genres such as 55-fiction (55 words) Dribble (100 words) and 69ER (69 words) funny short stories, which is based solely on the number of words. These stories are a form of short story, but usually not considered typical. A variety of writing styles and narrative structures were invented stories. funny short stories A recent example is Jonathan Nolan's "Memento Maori" in which history has progressed on two parallel times funny love stories. While the former contains a first-person narration of the protagonist, the other is an account of the third person said after his escape.

Tale writing contains a broad spectrum. It is for each storyteller to choose their own form, genre and style. By sampling the different possibilities funny short stories, short screenwriters will be better prepared to make an informed decision .

Funny Family Friendly Jokes

Family Jokes

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes

THE LAUGH FACTORY COMEDY NETWORK

Popular Jokes

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes

Funny short stories * Funny Business Jokes*

The short story writing is an art that is very similar to writing funny news headlines funny dog stories. Dint you think? "For sale: baby shoes, never worn funny short stories." This story, written by Ernest Hemingway is regarded as the world's shortest story. Although the subject of this story is a tragedy,funny short stories it's very similar to the headlines we see in the newspapers every day. An example: "A gunman welcomes the kindness of strangers."

As a form of literature, writing stories has existed funny dog stories for hundreds of years. Fairy tales and fables of Aesop are known for centuries and are still read today. Stories and anecdotes were born in the oral environment and gradually spread around the world in written form. However, it was only in the 19th century that shaped the new writing was recognized as a distinct genre funny short stories of writing.

While the novels were popular funny dog stories at the time,funny short stories some authors have understood that the novel format can not be used for short stories, which had a simple but coherent plot, fewer characters and no subplots funny love stories.

Although the number of words is by definition limited to 7000-9000 words,funny dog stories a short story also differs from a novel or novel in that there is a simple plot, flowing through history and very tight and tense narrative technique avoiding details unnecessary funny short stories.

The format remains true to the structural rules of traditional theater funny short stories . It is believed that the structure to be the following: the introduction (the characters, the setting and the scene), a central conflict funny dog stories, rising action (conflict and other secondary funny short stories barriers to create tension in the journey the protagonist towards your goal) The crisis (the moment of truth), the highest point (a final confrontation involving the protagonist and antagonist) funny short stories, and resolution.

These days,funny short stories the number of words defined the kind of writing most of the structure. The challenge of writing history became aware writers shorter word count funny love stories. This resulted in a genre known as Flash or Micro Fiction, which is a very brief history funny dog stories .

It contains various sub genres such as 55-fiction (55 words) Dribble (100 words) and 69ER (69 words) funny short stories, which is based solely on the number of words. These stories are a form of short story, but usually not considered typical. A variety of writing styles and narrative structures were invented stories. funny short stories A recent example is Jonathan Nolan's "Memento Maori" in which history has progressed on two parallel times funny love stories. While the former contains a first-person narration of the protagonist, the other is an account of the third person said after his escape.

Tale writing contains a broad spectrum. It is for each storyteller to choose their own form, genre and style. By sampling the different possibilities funny short stories, short screenwriters will be better prepared to make an informed decision .

Funny short stories : Horse

Dirty Jokes

Dirty Short Bar Jokes

Hand job
Three boys go to a mountain hut, and there is not enough space, so you have to share a bed in the middle of the night, the boy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a job in hand! " The boy left awake and surprisingly had. the same dream, too Then the boy wakes up in the middle and said, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Flaslight

A man and a woman started having sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight" The woman said. "I also ate grass for the last ten minutes"

Sexual fatigue

A teacher was coming to class and started talking about the final exam tomorrow. He said there would be no excuse not to come tomorrow, unless a medical condition say or death of a member of the immediate family. Smart, ass male student said. "What about the extreme sexual exhaustion", and the whole class laughed After the laughter had disappeared, the professor looked at student and said, "is not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Blowjob for cash

A husband comes home to find his wife with her bags packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" He said. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $ 400 for a blow job there, and I thought I might as well make money for this do for you free." The husband thought for a moment, up the stairs and back down with his suitcase packed so. "Where are you going?" The woman asks. "I come with you ... I want to see how you survive $ 800 a year !!!"

Police

A police officer patrolling the road when he sees a man tied to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the boy. "What is going on here?" He asks. The boy sobbed, "I drove and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, I stole, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me." The policeman looked at the boy for a while, then dropped his pants and pulled out his cock. "I guess it's not your lucky day, friend!"

Old Couple

An old man and an old woman getting ready for bed one night when suddenly the woman breaks out of the bathroom, opened her dress and screaming "Super Pussy" The old man said: "I'll have the soup."